The Vetting of Carlisle
by THE Chick Norris
Summary: Edward as a ballarina, Emmett is a lion tamer and Jasper is a Rodeo Clown  Alice is a construction worker and Bella is the bearded lady! Esme is a madame and Carlisle is the President of the US.  Rose is...a...er...strong woman


My challenge from GemmaLisax was to write a story including all of the following:

Edward as a ballarina, Emmett is a lion tamer and Jasper is a Rodeo Clown Alice is a construction worker and Bella is the bearded lady! Esme is a madame and Carlisle is the President of the US. Rose is...a...er...strong woman.

I hope I haven't disappointed you my dear.

SM owns everything except The Lady Cummings House of Debauchery, that belongs to GemmaLisax.

The Cullen family were the most interesting folks I had ever met. When the FBI called me interested in setting up an interview for a vetting process, I was more than happy to accommodate them. I was also pretty curious as to why the FBI was interested in the Cullens.

The day of the interview arrived and a large, black SUV with dark tinted windows pulled to an abrupt stop in front of my house. Two people, a man and a woman, both dressed in black suits with dark sunglasses exited the SUV and approached me. They introduced themselves as Agent Harden Thicke and Agent Joy Rider. Agents Thicke and Rider were two of the best agents in the FBI, and the Thicke-Rider team was legendary for taking care of business.

They got right down to it as soon as we were settled into my front room. Unlike many of my guests, they made no comments about my decor. Apparently, the Thicke-Rider twosome could appreciate the beauty and artistry of an adult inspired playground.

"Ms. Moorehead, thank you for taking the time to meet with us today," Agent Thicke said as he perched on the edge of my Zeppelin Lounger.

"Please, both of you, call me Anita," I asked of them, pushing aside last month's copy of Bound & Gagged and making myself comfortable on the inflatable tilt master.

"Anita, as Agent Thicke was saying we were very happy that you agreed to meet with us. Everyone else in the town laughed and hung up on us. We're hopeful that today's interview can shed some light on that for us," Agent Rider said, watching my reaction carefully from her reclined position on my Luv-U-Lounge.

"We are hoping that you can tell us a little more about the Cullens. It seems that Carlisle Cullen is a sure win in the next Presidential election and we need a little more information about the family to assess their security needs," Agent Thicke informed me.

"Agents Thicke, Rider, I would take great pleasure from answering any questions you might have."

"Ms. Moorehead, sorry, Anita, what can you tell us about Edward Cullen?" Agent Thicke asked me, unbuttoning his suit jacket and settling back into the lounger.

"Well, Edward is the baby of the family. He's now undergoing the process to become a woman due to his desire to be a world famous ballerina. I understand that he's already auditioned for Julliard's professional company but was informed that while his technique was perfection the judges found his fruit basket very distracting."

"Thank you. Now, Emmett Cullen. We understand that he is a lion tamer?" Agent Thicke again asked me. He seemed to be very comfortable in the lounger now.

"Yes, Emmett is a lion tamer. He was working with the Siegfreid and Roy, but now that he and Rose are married, they're both going to be working with the Ringling Brothers so they can travel together. She's a strong woman, you know. Biggest muscles I've ever seen, and that's saying something since I used to judge the Musclemania Northwest competition!"

"Anita, can you tell us about Jasper Cullen next?" Agent Rider asked nicely. I think she may have been feeling a little left out of the conversation.

"Actually, it's Jasper Whitlock. He's not even related to them. They just went to get the newspaper one Sunday morning and there he was...passed out buck naked in the hydrangea bush. He stayed with them for a while so he could sober up and earn enough money for bus fare to Texas. I believe he's a rodeo clown down there. I think he gave their daughter Alice the Herpes. Now, she's a pretty little thing. Well she was till the Herpes ate her lip off. She works over at the Stanley's construction business now as a framer."

They were both scribbling notes furiously as I spoke. I'm sure they were surprised at how well informed I was. Boy were they in for a surprise!

"What about Bella Cullen? I thought she was Edward's wife." Agent Thicke asked, scratching his head in confusion.

"Well, she is. I don't know what's going to happen to her now that Edward had decided to become a woman. They've been married since she was thirteen, mail order bride service and all. Maybe she'll go with Rose and Emmett to the Ringling Brothers. She's worked off and on as a bearded lady for the past couple of years. Plus, I think Emmett and Rose would enjoy her company, if you know what I mean."

Agents Thicke and Rider were speechless. Shocked by my intimate knowledge of the Cullen family. I didn't think they would even be able to form their next question, so I just started talking again.

"You know, Esme is a very successful business woman. She owns The Lady Cummings House of Debauchery. It's right there where Chuckhole Way turns into Big Burn Place. I work for her sometimes on the weekend if she's had a crab scare with one of the girls. I still have to go through the audition with her and Carlisle every time before I can work though. For a silent partner, he sure screams loud."

With my final bit of information recorded, they both stood. They took a final look around and quietly left. I tried to walk them out, but they were just too fast. I didn't hear any more from them, but several of the big newspapers like The National Enquirer started calling me, requesting interviews. I hated to turn them down, but with my part time employment for Esme, I had agreed to stay out of the public eye unless I was paid for.


End file.
